Soul Mate & Me
Between snippets of conversation swirling around me at lunch today I read Rebecca Lavoie's article from Sunday's Monitor (March 2) about finding a soul mate. It is a dream I spent many years pursuing myself. If you believe in the teachings of "The Secret" (a book I devoured in just a couple of days), it only took about 30 some odd years of constant thought for me to attract my soul mate, but then I guess it took so long because more often then not I was thinking "why can't I find someone?" instead of thinking "he's out there".
I was a ferocious reader as a youngster. I can remember as a teenager reading gothic romance novels and dreaming of meeting Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome myself. I had a definite idea of what I wanted. Although my very first boyfriend was tall and handsome, he certainly wasn't dark. That didn't matter, I was convinced I'd found my soul mate. How lucky for me so early in life.
Four years later I was telling him to leave me alone. I had decided, all on my own, that my soul mate deserved better then the likes of me. I was damaged; filled with emotional garbage that made me unpredictable, irresponsible and untrustworthy. He was devastated that I didn't believe in our love; I was convinced I was saving him from even greater heartache to come.
Although I spent the next 18 years wanting desperately to find another "soul mate", I kept sabotaging my own quest. My low self esteem attracted the likes of alcoholics, batterers and the unfaithful and I fell for the scam every time. As I found myself again and again picking myself up and dusting myself off from each successive failed relationship, I came to realize that I had long ago tossed away my soul mate. I finally resigned myself to a continued lifetime without a soul mate.
Once I resigned myself to this fact, I started to look to myself for love instead of trying to find it in someone else's eyes. One therapist along the way gave me the most difficult assignment I'd ever been required to do. She wanted me to look in the mirror everyday and say things like, "I love you" and "Have a great day". She wanted me to get a sitter for my children so that I could go on a date with myself. She told me I wasn't a bad mother if I wanted to spend a little time and money on myself instead of putting all my energy and resources into every one else. I started to actually like myself and my life. I started walking around with my head held high instead of always looking at my feet. I started to believe that I deserved to surround myself with people whose company I enjoyed rather then surrounding myself with people who needed me.
An amazing thing happened. I met my "soul mate". He is my best friend. Like the couple in Rebecca Lavoie's article, the glue that binds us together is laughter. Laughter and respect, respect for ourselves and each other. Not only are we confident and comfortable within our own skins, we are confident and comfortable with each other. We also don't take anything for granted. I thank him everyday for being my best friend and I credit myself for believing I deserve him. This is what had been missing all along in all those other relationships.
Life isn't always rosy. Love isn't always grand. Both are filled with trials and disappointments, but if you find a way to still laugh together, the trials and disappointments don't seem so painful, and you go to bed at the end of a hard day knowing there are at least two people in the world who love and accept you; yourself and your soul mate.
