Bad Parenting?
Originally submitted June 23, 2006:
I used to think ADHD was something of a joke, an excuse. I believed there was such a thing as a hyper-active child, just didn't understand why parents and counselors made such a big deal about it. So the child can't sit still, what child can really?
I'd been stepmother to 3 children, and had 2 children of my own. They were all active in some way or other. I used to tell people that my daughter wore me out emotionally and my son wore me out physically. Children are ever evolving and learning, so of course they're active, and some are hyper-active. That's just the way it is.
Then I had my youngest, Alex. There was something different about him almost from the start. He wasn't a troublesome baby, in fact of my three, he was probably the easiest. Perhaps I'd just become experienced, I thought. But I found myself telling people that it was like Alex had an "old soul". He just seemed to pick up on things without having to really be taught.
As he became a toddler, I noticed certain things about him that I hadn't experienced with my other children. He was terrified of loud noises. He didn't seem to notice when he got hurt. He could sit quietly for hours telling himself stories, but couldn't sit long enough at the dining table to eat a meal. He seemed to notice everything around him and could remember places and events that his siblings and I couldn't recall. Yet he couldn't learn to tie his shoes, and was often found running around half dressed. He often wandered off on his own, and though he understood my rules, seemed to always be "forgetting" to follow them. He wasn't being defiant, just "forgetful".
Alex is a beautiful, creative, sensitive child. He's very smart. But the older he got, the more troublesome he grew. I was not liking my child very much. I felt like I had to follow him around all day saying, "Alex, do this"; "Alex, don't do that"; "Alex, why are you saying that"...I couldn't understand why teaching him to follow basic rules and how to take care of himself had become so difficult. He just didn't seem to "get it". I was starting to think he had a touch of autism or something similar.
His PCP told me to take him to counseling. All through the sessions, Alex would ask random questions, look out the window, ask to draw on the whiteboard, but otherwise, couldn't follow the flow of the conversation with the counselor. The counselor just didn't seem to see that Alex wasn't gaining anything from her, since he wasn't even paying any attention. After only 4 sessions, I stopped going out of pure frustration with both the counselor and Alex.
I wrote a letter to a specialist in child development, and finally, I received the response I was looking for. They agreed to evaluate Alex. I almost couldn't believe it when they told me his diagnosis was ADHD. What was even more amazing was when I began giving him the medication. I found that I actually like him after all.
What I've come to learn over these last 9 years of raising Alex is that preception is so much different then reality. I've learned that ADHD isn't just some excuse parents use to explain their child's bad behavior. I've learned how draining it is to care for a special needs child, even if it's "just ADHD". Even with the medication, I still have to remind Alex how to dress every morning, and how to keep himself safe and clean throughout the day. Alex still has a hard time grasping the intricacies of social situations, and gets into fights often. But the bottom line is, I haven't been a bad parent. I just had to find the right people to explain to me Alex's needs. If only I could make the rest of the world understand.
Unfornutately, those using
Unfornutately, those using the diagnosis as an excuse for bad behavior have really made it difficult on the families of people who truely suffer from the burden. I admit that I was one of the masses who viewed ADHD as just that, an excuse. I was told by the doctor who diagnosed my son that the trend for awhile was to put suspected ADHD children on drugs, then diagnose based on how well (or not) the drugs worked. I think it resulted in a lot of mis-diagnosis. My son has been closely monitored by his PCP, a nurse practicioner who specalizes in ADHD, a therapist (who helps him learn coping skills), and the school. He has appointments with one or the other of his doctors/therapist every other week (sometimes more often) and he's undergone testing at the school and behavior questionnaires have been filled out numerous times just in the year and a half he's been on the medicine. I have been told that most children "outgrow" the need for medication and monitoring, in part because they learn appropriate coping skills needed to succeed. For myself and my son, I still hold him accountable for his behavior and his efforts. There have been times when I have heard him try to use his ADHD as an excuse when he's behaved badly, but I have always reminded him that his ADHD is no excuse for not putting in the effort to stop and think. It is more difficult for him to do this task compared to "normal" kids, but it's not an unreasonable expectation.
Hi Terri, I don't believe myself to be an expert on anything. I do work with a lot of young men however, and have over the last 18 years in a prison setting. ADD and ADHD tags are pretty commonplace. Just as a "lay" observer, I have noticed that once someone is coded with either of these, the young person thinks they have this problem for life. I would just like to suggest that you have your son re-evaluated from time to time. I am not saying that you don't, but I have seen many who are diagnosed and then never have re-evaluations done periodically. The down side is that some young folks, who are basically just lazy, use the code as an excuse not to do anything that takes work on their part. They blame the ADD and ADHD. The funny thing is that they seem to function just fine unless they are talking to me. I do however think that if a young person has ADD and ADHD, the medications are a Godsend. Dan