Assume What It Means
Assume. To take. That's what it means. To take what? Well, just about anything really. To take a position. To take an opinion. To take control. To take responsibility. To take a role.
We all do our fair share of assuming. In fact, that very statement is based on an assumption. It has negative meaning in nearly all of it's guises, yet can be applied to so much of what we do on a daily basis. We all have a position, an opinion, a role and a level of responsibility in our lives, but the negativity associated with the word is based on our own perspectives.
The irony is that although assume means "to take" we most often actually use the word to spread our opinion and responsibility to include others. "I didn't run that report because I assumed you would." "I assumed you paid that bill last month." "I assume you didn't mean that the way you said it."
This kind of assuming is often based on a lie. It is born of our own inner deceptions. Thinking someone else would just automatically do something that is also your own responsibility is a thought process which only leads to disaster. It leaves the door open for poor communication, misinterpretation, unfinished business, resentful feelings and increased stress. When assumptions are made on both sides of the table, chaos ensues.
A wife who assumes her husband knows what she wants for her birthday bears just as much responsibility for her disappointment as the husband who also assumed he knew what she wanted. I recently heard a story about a gentleman who turned 50 and told his family not to make a fuss. He assumed by telling them this, they would plan a party anyway and it wouldn't seem like his idea. His family assumed he was serious. When his 50th came around and nothing happened, his disappointment was profound.
We are all guilty of behaving this way at one time or another in our lives. We place a higher value on a thought process based on assumptions. Women will harbor resentful frustration over a toilet seat left up, assuming the men in our lives are being inconsiderate and thoughtless. We take it a step further and rationalize that if he's inconsiderate enough to leave the toilet seat up, then he's inconsiderate and thoughtless about everything. When do we assume the responsibility to look before we sit? Instead we rely on the assumption that it is his responsibility and base a large portion of our perception of the relationship on this assumption.
Men place just as much value on assumptions. They assume the woman in their life is being inconsiderate and selfish by making them late all the time. She doesn't value his and/or anyone else's time. Yet does he assume any responsibility in getting the children settled, or the dog fed so she has more time to get ready? He assumes it is her responsibility to organize the day better.
He assumes she knows he hates her chicken & rice just by the fact that he didn't finish his portion the last time. She assumes he knows how much she hates his loud, raucous male bonding when his friends are over for a game simply by reading the body language she believes she is exuding. Assumptions are the seeds by which resentment is born. And like wildflowers, resentment grows and spreads, reseeding itself with further assumptions.
What we really need to start doing is using the word for that which it truly means, to take. Take responsibility. Take a position. Take control. Tell her how important it is to you to be on time instead of assuming she is irritating you on purpose. Ask him to help you with the chores instead of assuming he knows how many things still need to get done before you leave the house.
Assume people don't know what you are thinking and feeling. Assume the responsibility of letting those around you know what is important to you and what your expectations are in regards to those things. Instead of finding reason to say "I assumed you would take care of that", find reasons to know "I assumed the responsibility of getting that done" even if that responsibility involved sharing the work load with others.
