50/50

When I was younger, still living at home with my sister and folks, I hated winter.  I hated getting up early in the morning to go out into the wet, cold world to shovel snow.  On those mornings when I was expected to rouse myself out of my nice warm bed to help the rest of the family, I would dawdle just long enough to be putting on my gloves and hat just as everyone else was finishing up.  I had it down to perfect timing. My mom tried to guilt me into being more helpful by relating several times how her father had died while shoveling snow. Not that I wanted to see my father grasp at his chest and fall over, but I knew my sister, who seemed to love being out in the cold running the snow blower, would be there to save my father this horrible fate.  My folks tease me about it to this day. 

My sister on the other hand, hated tending the gardens in the spring and summer.  She had more interesting things to do on glorious sunny days then to be pulling weeds out of the ground.  She thought it a tedious, useless task, something my parents dreamed up to keep us busy.  She got out of this chore by simply pulling up a few "weeds" that were actually prized veggies or flowers.  My parents were more then happy to let her go off and do her own thing if it meant saving the gardens.  I loved sitting in the gardens all day, pulling out weeds and digging in the dirt, so it was left to me to save this grueling task from the rest of the family.

My grandmother's contribution to the family was via her role as dishwasher.  Although my father would cringe whenever she took sharp instruments to the baked on messes on his prized cookware, it was a chore my folks relinquished to her without argument.  My sister and I took turns drying the dishes and putting them away.  At the time, it was a chore neither of us liked and we often faught over whose turn it was, but looking back on it now, I am glad to have had that time standing there with my grandmother.  

We never kept a score card and there was no such thing as an allowance in our family.  My folks could hardly make ends meet during the recession, they certainly couldn't pay us to do what was really just part of being a family.  It is these types of values that seem lacking in our world today, and we really only have ourselves to blame.

We recently had a speaker come to our office because management felt moral was low and they hoped to improve communication between departments.  The speaker brought up the concept of relationships being more satisfying if there is a feeling of 50/50.  He made sure to emphasize that 50/50 didn't mean "I did X for you, now you have to do Z for me".  He indicated that this was about trusting that we are all interested in the same goals and that what we put in should eventually come back to us; give and take without bribery. Although I should have been sitting there thinking about this concept and application in my work setting, I found myself instead thinking about my own family.  

"That's what is missing!" I found myself thinking over and over. 

It's not a problem I have with my S.O.  Our relationship is almost completely 50/50.  Sometimes even I can't believe how well we work together, and I catch myself wondering when "reality" will set in.  After 7 years it still hasn't happened.  However, the same can't be said for my children, in particular the 18 year old.  My S.O. and I have been talking about kicking her out the minute school is over in June.  It's not that she is getting into serious trouble.  In fact, we have had far less police interaction and drama over the last year than we had previously been having with her.  The trouble is that she contributes nothing to the family. She has become the free loader you keep wishing would just go away. 

Due to some bad choices she has made over the last 4 years or so, she has very few privileges left.  We refused to just give her a car, or even help her get her license until she at least had a job.  We provide the bare necessities, but I long ago stopped buying the little extras for her.  I stopped nagging her about her schoolwork and attendance figuring she would learn more by suffering the consequences of her decisions.  Nothing has changed.  She is still unemployed, still a poor performer at school and still completely dependent on us for her every need. I still have to leave work to take her to appointments that she should, at this point in her life, be able to keep herself.  I still get phone calls from school about her bad attitude. I still have to pay the electric bill when she "forgets" to turn off the TV.  In return she refuses to abide by her curfew, she refuses to do the simple chores we ask of her (ie: clean the cat box or wash the dishes) and instead will con one of her brothers into doing it for her.  After years of this type of behavior, we have had enough of feeling like we are being taken for granted.  It would be nice to see a little something back, even if it is only in the form of becoming a more responsible person.

I love my daughter.  There is much to love.  She is creative and smart.  She has a loving heart and keen sense of humor.  I enjoy her company for the most part on the rare occasions I even see her anymore.  But I think at this point she needs to learn that continually taking without giving something back is detrimental to healthy living, and it's a lesson she doesn't seem to be learning by staying with us.  I look forward to the day she leaves and begins to learn what it means to be an adult.