The Nature of Love

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things. Love never ends. If you were to crack open my chest and take a look at my heart these days, you would see nicks, cuts and bruises. Battle scars. A ripped seam right down the middle, where it feels broken in two. If I try to breathe too deeply, there’s a sharp stab of grief that sends me running for privacy, to cry.

My partner is currently a resident at the county jail. His road there was a long one, and he was helped along by various doctors, and some bad judgment. What none of his four doctors ever seemed to realize was that he was being overmedicated. When you prescribe heavy duty pain killers, mood stabilizers, muscle relaxants and very strong anti-anxiety meds to one person, you put them on chemical overload. They can’t function without the chemicals. He could not have avoided becoming addicted if he tried.

He is disabled, he has no income of his own, he is dependent on me for money, rides, the roof over his head. He felt trapped. He self-medicated with alcohol, on top of everything else, and on Wednesday morning, it all caught up with us. An incident that is being charged as assault took place, and he was carted off. I am having a hard time coping.

I have four children of my own, including a six month old baby. I have his seven year old daughter in my custody as well. There is a no contact order in effect for the time being, so I cannot even speak to him. His mother lets me know that he loves me, that he wants to come home. These are the things I cling to. These are the things that get me through these long days.

I spent Saturday night pacing the floor in the house until my son begged me to just go to bed. This morning I was awake at three am, and all I could think about was how much I miss him, how much I wish this had never happened, that I wish I had never called the police, that I want him to come home. My mind races in circles.

People tell me all kinds of things about him and say he is better off where he is. But they don’t know him the way I do. When I think about the man sitting in jail, I don’t think about what may have happened in those few seconds. I think about the man who adores his baby girl, who holds my hand in the car, who wraps himself around me at night. I think about his voice at my neck, even his company when we did the regular chores together. Grocery shopping, folding laundry. I think about all I have lost for the time being, and I wonder if it will be mine again in the future.

The nature of love is forgiveness. We need to forgive each other all of the sins of the past, big and small. We need to forget everything that came before this day, and start over again. Ex-lovers, money, problems with the kids, they all need to be left in the past. When the day comes that we can be together again, we need to look forward, not back. We need to make a fresh start and do things differently. We need to remember every time we want to raise our voices or argue, that we love each other, and that no petty argument is worth the damage it could do to us. We need to know that the future is made up of nothing but days, and hours, and we need to learn to spend each one wisely.