"Advanced Maternal Age"

This is what the diagnosis on my chart at the doctor's office says. I am 36 years old, and 18 weeks pregnant with my fourth child. My three older children were born when I was young, 18, 21 and 22...so this pregnancy is a completely different ball game.

I went in for a check-up last week, and had blood drawn for a Quad screen, which screens for an increased risk if birth defects. Many women choose to pass up this test, as it has a high false positive rate, and creates lots of worry for no reason whatsover. The timing of the test has to be precise, and there are many other factors that can cause a woman to get news she doesn't want to hear. I know this. I know too, that due to my age, my risk is slightly higher anyway. Still, I was not prepared for the phone call I got on Tuesday morning.

Being a worry wart, I never pass up a screening test in relation to my pregnancies. With my older children, I passed the test with flying colors each time, my risk for birth defects very comfortably low. This time, I got the wind knocked out of me: the midwife told me I had a 1 in 10 chance of having a child with Down's Syndrome.

One in ten. Doesn't sound so bad, does it? That means nine out of those ten babies will be perfectly fine. But my world telescoped to that one possibility. A normal woman my age has a 1 in 270 or so chance of a Down's baby. 1 in 10 sounds impossibly close to me.

Now, I know that having a baby with Down's syndrome is not the end of the world. I know that this happens to all kinds of families, and people still live happy, productive lives. But every mother wants her child to be born healthy. And the possibility that that may not happen for my baby breaks my heart.

Jim is much more laid back about this stuff. He says "One in ten? Big deal, that means we have a 90% chance that everything is all right." But what if? What if everything is NOT all right? How would our blended family cope, when the kids can barely get along, and they harbor resentment for both of us, for forcing them to BE a family? How will our relationship fare? Will he be disappointed? Will he blame me? Will he be able to stand the heat?

We both want this baby, although its conception was a surprise. What we had in mind was a lifetime of watching our child grow and change and eventually, live a life independent of us. We assumed that our child would be healthy, that we would suffer the normal stresses and worried of parenthood, and nothing more.

But on Monday we drive to Hanover for ultrasounds and possibly an amnio to see if we can find out who is growing in my womb, and what kind of challenges we are all going to face. Yes,there is an excellent chance everything will turn out just fine. But it's the worried mother in me who says, please, please God, don't let there be anything wrong with my baby.

I've shared my concerns with my family, and my oldest daughter, Allyssa, my mother, and my sister have all assured me they will love this child, no matter what. And love is not even the question; there is no doubt in my mind that no matter what, this baby will be loved. I think the real problem is me. I don't know if I am up to the challenge. I don't know if I am strong enough to do this. I don't know what to expect, and to me, not knowing what to expect is the worst thing that can happen.