Trying to Avoid the Self-Pity Party
I have to admit, the last couple of months weren't the greatest for me. My husband and I went through some issues with my adult stepchildren that were stressful. Personally, my freelance writing work seems to be at a standstill. I have tons of ideas out at various publications, but so far the biggest response has been silence. Except for the work I do for the Monitor, I haven't heard from anyone else. Actually, in the freelance world, no news is usually good news because that typically means they are considering your idea, and I know that for a couple of my ideas that is the case. It is just a matter of waiting.
Unfortunately, all of this waiting means I'm not making much money. My husband is working a lot of overtime, which helps. But still, money is tight. I feel guilty he is working so hard. He hasn't actually said so, but I keep getting hints that he would like me to get a "real" job that makes a regular paycheck. I understand where he is coming from, but the idea of giving up on a dream it took me 40 years to accomplish almost makes me physically ill.
Needless to say, all of this stress has put a damper on my weight loss efforts. I don't officially weigh in until next week, but it is a real possibility that I haven't lost any weight this month. I know it's because I've been eating too much. Usually I only eat when I'm hungry, and I'm still doing that 90 percent of the time. But instead of eating only until I'm satisfied, I've been eating until my stomach can't take any more. I'm trying to keep things under control, but I've been wishing I could just sit down and eat as much as I want of whatever I want until I explode. In other words, I want to eat until I don't feel anything any more.
That is how I have always dealt with stress. For light stress, I might just enjoy a sweet treat to make myself feel better. At times of heavy stress, I want to eat and eat and eat until the food covers up my pain. Of course, that only leads to more stress, pain and guilt when I step on the scales.
So far I haven't had that big binge. I've been dealing with my stress by just working harder. I've also kept exercising, which helps, too. Most of all, I'm trying to stay hopeful for the future and not wallow in self-pity. Thanks for letting me whine.
That Unpleasant Feeling
I am not a binge eater (I curl up in balls under something and try to figure out what to do, it doesn't help) but the feeling you are describing is very familiar. And I do feel it in my stomach when it is at its worst, that empty, self-recriminating, anxious search for what is missing...and, to put it very mildly, it stinks, it sucks the life out of you and it takes a hell of a lot of energy to maintain. That's the part that makes me crazy, all that energy tied up instead of let loose to move the body, mind and spirit.
I think of it as a fear of movement. I can't explain it, except in an intellectual abstract way but it is very real. As if something essential will come undone if I push myself to dance or walk or run or create something; I will fly apart and never come back together. Or, I will be so disappointed by what I do that I will feel worse. (maybe I'll get my hopes up too high, get cocky...get shot down...?)
What is worse? Can I fail at taking a walk? Oh my, a real solid piece of adversity might really be the ticket out...or a trip, far away...
Hang in there, this is the really MAD time of year in New England----better days are coming and we will probably all live through this...
That Time of Year
I am really beginning to wonder if my feeling are tied in with the time of year. It seems that a lot of people right now are feeling down and as if their lives were stuck. This feeling seems to be the case no matter what where they live.
I keep telling myself to just hang on. I have worked so hard to get to this point and am sowing all of the "seeds" necessary to generate some good results. It is just a matter of time. While I'm waiting, I will keep sowing even more seeds, and try to keep moving forward, in both my work life and my new lifestyle. Nothing stays the same for long, right?
Fear of change
Karmie,
Sometimes I think we are just to afraid to make a change, so we keep ourselves closed to new possibilities. Hang in there. The right path for you will open up soon. Just keep yourself open to all of the possibilities life has to offer. Who knows, maybe your new path is completely different from what you are expecting.
Plus, as you said, spring is coming soon. The change of season will do us all some good.
Linda
Moving
Sarah,
Sometimes I think that fear of movement is tied into a fear to move forward in our lives. I still haven't been snowshoeing yet and I know it is because I'm afraid to give it a try.
Change and the unknown are both pretty scary. And what if the change we are suppose to make in our lives is a big one? Wow!
I know you have been through a lot with your mother this year. Like you said, better days are ahead. Just hang on.
Linda
Dream
Don't give up on your dream for a "real" job. Writing is a real job, if you really wanted somthing with a steady pay, then there is probably a way to do it without giving up your dream.
My father was a carpenter, which is another profession subject to its ups and downs, and she wanted him to get a "real job" at McDonalds. (One week of carpentry=1 year at Mc'Ds)
Thanks RT
I've decide that I'm not going to give up on my writing. I really believe that it is just a matter of time as long as I keep working at it. I might have to find a part-time job for a while, but it will be one that doesn't interfere with my writing work.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Hey,
Yeah, I know how you feel. I think I do that, eat and eat and eat. And don't really feel FULL. Probably b/c I wasn't hungry to begin with. Trying to fill up that emptiness with food. It just doesn't work. But it is so much easier than dealing with what is really bothering us, especially if it is out of our control like waiting on others. I've been in a quandary lately over my job. I like my workplace but getting really bored. Just not sure WHAT I want to do now. So instead of thinking about it, I eat.
Good Luck! Spring is coming, we'll feel better soon.
K