The Other Election

It’s hard to compare American and Canadian political systems without stepping on toes or boring the living daylights out of anyone who would feign interest in this subject.

Honestly, I would rather teach the sport of Curling to a Texan.

Both countries are in the middle of an election right now.

One nation’s campaign will last at least 11 months (or two years). The other 37 days.

One nation pits two major political parties against each other. The other has five.

One has a right wing ideology competing against a left wing ideology. The other deals with centrist “progressive conservatives,” slightly to the left “liberals,” the “green” left, the far left, and the extreme left.

One campaign hits television screens with a slugfest of accusations and insults. The other comes across like a polite game of trivial pursuit.

One goes bonkers over the selection of vice-presidential nominees. The other... ... ummm, doesn’t have such a thing.

For those of you still curious enough to read this please allow me to explain how Canadian government works.

It doesn’t.

The only thing guaranteed in a Canadian election is that the party that wins will slap a new tax on something.

For example, if the Liberal party wins this election they are promising to enact the “Green Shift Plan.” In other words, a complicated carbon tax aimed at anything that walks upright and stumbles within a few inches of something burning fossil fuel.

If the Conservative party wins, they promise to cut the GST (federal goods and services sales tax) by a whopping 2%. That could actually work for a few weeks. The consumer price index (cost of living) seems to increase by an average of 3% a month in Canada.

Still with me?!?!?

Canadians at present pay income taxes, health and prescription taxes, unemployment taxes, pension taxes, sales taxes, municipal property, garbage and water taxes, school taxes, tobacco taxes, liquor taxes, gas taxes, and a vehicle air conditioner tax. This list comes off the top of my head. I’m sure I missed a few.

People often ask me why I’ve decided to sidestep duel citizenship in order to become a full-fledged American. I often provide the following answer: “Tax evasion!”.

I also have been known to say;

- “Because I want to save $3387 a year on beer and cigarettes.”
- “I was traded to the Monarchs for two defensemen and a goalie.”

Last week a workmate told me that if so and so gets elected he’s moving to Canada.

My reply to this comment was “Say hello to Barbara Streisand and Robert Redford when you get there. They said the same thing four years ago.”

I went on to explain the tax thing and gave him a word of advice to consider if he was serious about his declaration.

I told him to remember one thing about life north of the border: “A bad day of hockey is better than a good day of anything else.”