Here Comes Santa Clown...
Around this time of year back in 2007 I found myself wearing an oversized Santa hat surrounded by 7 grandchildren in the back of a pickup truck, riding around a field at the Monadnock Nurseries waving a hacksaw and hollering "yeeeeeehaawww... ...hold on tight kiddos', we be fetchin' y'all some Christmas trees."
14 hours later I was barely awake and about to have my first sip of coffee, watching a pine tree catapult an angel across my living room as it fell down between me and my television set.
I just sat there with a dead panned-look staring at the capsized conifer for a few moments before deciding to pick up and temporarily tie the toppled tree to a wall with an extension cord until I decided I had enough coffee and watched enough of the morning news.
Still rubbing sleep from my eyes I was listening to anchormen discuss a statement made by the surgeon general that suggested Santa Claus lose some weight because children look up to him as a role model who should eat well and exercise.
I made a mental note to add this tidbit of information to a list of demands made by special interest groups demanding Saint Nick put down his pipe, avoid having children sit on his lap, and stop saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!."
I imagined Santa Claus sitting around in a track suit, snacking on a rice cake and staring blankly at some dolt who's just flown to the North Pole in a private jet to notify him that his sleigh would have to be grounded until he can cough up enough cash to pay for some carbon credits because Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen produce methane emissions proven harmful to the environment.
I wondered how long people like myself would have to put up with those who insist on disturbing the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ without finding a creative way to make them wear "Holiday trees" as dental ornaments.
I imagined myself tying a bare branch to my head and tying a banner to it that said "anti-humbug antler" before settling for the idea that I would just spend the rest of the month wearing an oversized Santa hat everywhere I went when I stepped out of my home.
For two years now I've been that goofy fellow you may have seen at the shopping mall wearing a Patriots coat along with that stylish hat and an extra large smile while enthusiastically wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas!
