Getting There Is Only Half The Fun
Two emotions that are seldom experienced simultaneously are aggravation and amusement. Flying on commercial airlines affords one that opportunity.
I fly to dozens of cities and every week; getting there is a unique and revealing experience. I enjoy observing the behavior of people, listening to their banter with others and analyzing the total experience of flying. Human behavior on an airline is generally civilized but often, after observing and interacting with some of the passengers, I have to ask myself how some people survive this journey that we call life.
Flying to Florida I sat next to a genuine, bona fide Maine Yankee named Charlie and his bride of 54 years. Generally, I am not a conversationalist, turning on my iPod as I wait for the cabin door to close, securely attaching my noise canceling headphones to my ears and closing my eyes. Unfortunately, this guy would have none of that. He lifted my headset from my right ear and loudly proclaimed: “goin’ to Florida on business?” Smiling, I said, ‘yes’ and out of respect removed my headset.
Watching the TV screen on this Jet Blue flight a commercial for ‘The Villages’ came on and Charlie struck up a conversation by saying: “did you ever notice that they never tell you where exactly those ‘Villages’ are?” “Well, we think it is a scam and we’re goin’ down to find out.”
After small talk, the cabin door closed and once again I became one with my headset, prepared for a restful flight. Well, one can wish. Once airborne, my new friend pulls his lunch box out from under the seat, revealing four hard boiled eggs still in their shells. The peeling began and the aroma wafted throughout the cabin as the passengers began to ask: “what is that smell?” On the heel of the eggs came a freshly made cucumber and onion salad; smothered in Italian dressing. Mmmmmm...makes for such an enjoyable flight!
I sat slouched in my seat, thinking: “I hope that the rest of passengers don’t think I abbreviated a bodily function.” The icing on the cake turned out to be 4 trips by each of them to use the rest room; on a 3 hour flight.
On another flight, two 20 something women took the seat behind me enroute to Reagan National. Throughout the flight their loud conversation centered on the ‘hunks’ they had met and the head games they were playing with several men, but, somehow all they really wanted was an “honest relationship”. The ‘F’ word was inserted into every sentence dominating the 2 hour flight with a potpourri of drama that would put a soap opera to shame.
Relief was in sight as we began our descent into Washington; or so I thought! One of these Rhodes Scholar wannabees turns to the other and says: “I fly here all the time and I am an expert on this airport. Now if you look out of the left side of the plane, you’ll see that big cemetery, you know the one with all those dead guys and out of the right side you will see the Great Smokey Mountains!” I could not stop myself and proceeded to laugh hysterically as did the rest of the passengers. The two women loudly proclaimed: “WOW!...what a happy crowd!”, completely oblivious to the reality of their shallow, mindless blabber.
College students abound on recent flights as schools gear up and the summer comes to a close. On a recent flight one young lady revealed to another passenger that she was going to college in January, had the highest SAT scores in her class and had been accepted at Brown, Dartmouth & Harvard. The conversation evolved into current events and the other passenger brought up Rumsfeld. The college bound student proclaimed: “Oh, the Vice President?!
On several occasions I have listened as other ‘learned’ students blame turbulence on global warming, the brilliant sunset on smog and on one occasion, a student was pontificating about how the ‘moon rover’ sends back surprisingly high resolution pictures of the surface (I am pretty sure she meant the Mars rover) of the moon. She continued to explain that she was studying to be a teacher….a science teacher.
On a flight last week, a 20 something kid with oversized shirt and pants, hat turned to one side and totally cool, struck up a incessant conversations about how New England is too uptight, Louisville is just a bunch of cowpokes who line dance, Florida is a place where people are cool and share smokes and he was flying home because he was seeing a hot ‘chick’ who loves to spend money on him. Of course, it had to be the night that the flight was delayed due to a flat tire. I looked around the cabin for a hidden camera, expecting the host to pop out of the next row of seating and pinched myself to make sure that it wasn’t just a bad dream. After a tough day, it was shaping up to be the perfect ending!
I learned from this genius though, that a one semester course is all you need to know everything about psychology, guys who are jealous are insecure jerks, girls ‘dig’ white guys who tell them like it is, Maine has needy “chicks” who love home boys, you shouldn’t get tied down until you’re forty and the intelligence of a woman was not enough for this guy; they have to be ‘hot’ and smile a lot.
There is not enough space to write about the people who invade your space either because they hang 8 inches over the arm rest or because they just feel entitled to your seat as well as their own. There is not enough time to write about the passengers who must have forgotten to use their Irish Spring in the shower or those who bring the spiciest sub sandwich onto the plane, devouring it as we climb into the wild blue yonder. I won’t comment on the aggravation caused by passengers holding up the boarding process, as they attempt to squeeze their oversized / overstuffed bags into the overhead compartments.
“Mensa” is not a thought that comes to mind as I fly the friendly skies, but several questions do:
If this is expensive public transportation, what would the experience be on that ‘public transportation’ that the politically correct crowd pines for?
Is there any doubt that our schools are failing us? Is there any doubt that parents fail their children in large numbers?
Is pop culture more important than education?
If ‘working families’ are struggling, then what are they doing on flights costing hundreds of dollars?
Why is it, that right after take off, half of the passengers stand up, forming a line at the rest room? It certainly can’t be that they ate before the flight with all of the smelly food that they bring aboard the plane. Don’t they know that there are restrooms at the terminal?
Can’t the airline companies afford to give you the full can of soda? Or two bags of nuts?
And most importantly, upon landing, why do I have to return my seat to the full and upright position? After listening to and observing some of this idiocy, I DESERVE to lie back and relax!
